Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss day. Here is my story……
I have so many beautiful blessings in my life. A wondering husband and three healthy children. But this is not a story about blessings….it is a story about loss.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss month…..and this is my story.
We have three beautiful children….three children that were conceived very easily and three pregnancies that were a breeze. We had always talked about adding a 4th child to the mix. We finally decided to start trying for a 4th about 3 years ago. I expected like the other 3 times…I would get pregnant quickly. I was wrong. After about 6 months of trying, I decided to go and see my doctor. She did some test and found my fertility was great. Unfortunately, she also found a great deal of pre-cancerous cells in my cervix. I had surgery….everything should have been fine, but it was not. My second test came back worse than the first. Another surgery…this time more invasive. They had to remove a big chunk of my cervix and my doctor was not sure I would be able to carry a baby at all.
6 more months went by and I finally had good test results…all signs of Cancer were gone. Even better was that my cervix had fully healed and my doctor thought it would be ok to try again for baby #4.
Three years after deciding to try for baby #4…..to our shock and amazement….I was PREGNANT!!! We had sort of given up hope that it would ever happen, so we were overjoyed and shocked. We told our families and even our 3 other children. They were overjoyed.
I finally felt like we were moving forward, and then it was all taken away in an instant. I lost the baby….miscarriage. No one ever tells you how devastating and painful a miscarriage can be. No one tells you that having to deliver your baby (no matter how far along you are) is traumatic. Women don’t talk about miscarriage or the loss of a baby. It is a strange grief. One that cannot be explained. It is a loss. A loss of an idea, a loss of a future, a loss of a child. One that you begin loving the second you see that pregnancy test result.
To all the mamas out there that have suffered this same unexplainable loss….my heart goes out to you. You are not alone and your loss is real.